Much Harder than I thought

(that's what she said)

So this two kid thing...um...really hard. I don't know if I have ppd or what. If I think I have it, maybe that means I don't, because if I did, then I'd be in denial and not think i had it. I don't know. What are my symptoms? Let's see...mostly just crazy. A vast majority of the time I'm doing okay. I get frustrated or sometimes I"m happy. But about once a day I lose it. Like I really get a little violent with the little guy. I swear alot. Charlotte knows who Jesus Christ is because mommy says it all the time. I like the baby because I can swear a blue streak and he won't repeat it. I wonder if he can sense it when I'm so pissed I'm about to bite him (haven't bitten him yet...well, not hard at least).

This morning I was so tired. I woke up at 1 am and 6:45 to nurse then when I got back into bed, Charlotte was yelling for me. But I refused to get her until 8. So I dozed while she yelled for about 30 minutes. I couldn't wait to take a nap. I thought maybe we'd just watch movies all day. But we didn't. And when the afternoon rolled around and I wasn't sure I would be able to get a nap in, I just got pissed and decided to run on the treadmill and get frustration out. Henry was sleeping and Charlotte watched some Curios George. Then after about 25 minutes of treadmill and 40 minutes of Henry nap, he woke up. I convinced Charlotte to nap even though she put on her snow boots and wanted to run on the treadmill with me (I promised we'd do it after the nap). I went up to Henry. This is the part that always throws me. He nursed at 11:45. It was now 1:45. Not really long enough to nurse. So i tried to rock him back to sleep for about a half an hour. This is when I went crazy. I was really pissed. He just wouldn't let me put him down. But he slept in my arms. So I finally nursed him (hoping there wasn't lactic acid in my milk from the exercise). And he went down. But I didn't burp him. So he woke up 1 minutes later, then I had to burp him and rock him more. But he's been sleeping maybe 10-15 minutes now. I hear a little murmur every now and then and I don't know if anyone but a mother of a newborn understands how it makes the hackles rise. I just pray silently....please, please, please, please, stay asleep, please don't wake up! At least not until I want you to.

Charlotte's naps have gone from a solid 2 hours down to about 1 or 1 and a half. This sucks. Timing the two was hard enough before, now the window is smaller. But if I don't nap when they do, I still want some "me" time. The little vampires suck on me (one of them literally) all day long.

Sleeping at night is horrible. I can't get to sleep. I know I'm tired, I know I need to sleep but I lie there. At 9:30 or 10 when I first lay down. Then again whenever I get up to nurse. Seems like the only time I can really sleep is by morning when the stupid kids are getting up!

We're planning on joining the Y and I look forward to that,I think. They won't take Henry (or H-bomb as we affectionately call him now) until 3 months. In the mean time, maybe I'll try to get a workout at home in during his morning nap from 10:15-10:45. Maybe by exercising it will be easier to sleep. Maybe the endorphins will help me not want to kill myself. It didn't really work today, I wonder how long it takes.

Christmas miracles

Wow, a long time since posting. I always think of things to say...just can't find the time to say them! But I might be finding more time soon. I might be dropping MY afternoon nap!

Henry is starting to stretch out his night sleeping! yeah! It started on Saturday after the VanderWier christmas party( Dec. 27). he nursed before we left at 10 pm and then not again until 9 the next morning! Since then I typically only get up once per night, at like 4 or 5 am, and then he wakes up about 9 am. He is settling into a predictable routine. He wakes up about 9, takes a 30 minute nap at about 10:15, nurses again at around noon, takes a nice nap about 1-3 (though he usually wakes about 35 minutes in and needs to be re-settled). Then we nurse again when he wakes up, maybe a 40 minute nap around 5:30, nurse again between 6 and 7, then bedtime between 8 and 9. It is so good to be able to count on it and plan things. The only problem is that going out of the house really screws with all of this. So while Dave has been home, no problem, but when I'm on my own and get lonely...we'll see.

Christmas was great, it is so fun with a toddler. Santa brought charlotte her dollhouse and dolls, which she loves. And then we went out to chinese for dinner with the Courvilles.

Henry is just doing his mid-afternoon nap wake up so I have to publish, but hopefully, I'll get more down soon.

Henry 5.0

Things have really gotten so much better since my last post! Starting the evening before he turned 5 weeks old, Henry mysteriously stopped having the cramping screaming crying fits. He actually was laid down to sleep...and slept! He also started sleeping normal baby amounts during the day (every 1-2 hours after waking up, he'd nap) and he stopped doing marathon 5 hour awake stretches that ended in fits. This is all so good.

Now, don't get me wrong, he is still a baby and still cries and generally is fussy from 5-9 at night. Unfortunately, this is when Dave is home and Dave still refers to him as a "monster". But during the day, it is not so bad to deal with him!

We have had some times where "cry it out" seemed appropriate, and worked. Like, 5 minutes of crying followed by 2 hours of good sleep. And some times of course when that didn't work, the crying went on, the comforting went on, etc.

One surefire way to upset the apple cart is if I eat dairy. Everytime I have it, which isn't often, but I think that maybe it was just my imagination, is followed by about two days of a very fussy little guy!

And another change MIGHT be going on with him regarding night sleep. He usually would do a nice long stretch in the early night, like 8 or 9 pm to 2 am. Though I didn't get to bed/sleep until 10 or 10:30 so it was frustrating. Last night he nursed at 5 pm, then he was awake. and awake. and awake. I just couldn't get him to nap (though he seemed sleepy) so I tried to nurse him. NO WAY! he screamed and screamed. So, completely in tears and preparing for a horrible night, I put him in bed. I even went in at about 9:15 to try to trick him into nursing in his sleep. Didn't work.

He didn't wake up until 1 am! Which got me about 3 hours of sleep interruped by one potty break (darn). THen I thought he'd nurse every 2 hours from there...but he didn't wake up again until 6:30! Which got me 4.5 hours of sleep interrupted by one "oh my god, is he still breathing, let me check as long as I have to get up to pee" break. Today he has been very sleepy still. In fact, right now, I'm trying to decide if I should get him up babywise-style or just let him go til he meets his sleep needs. He proved that he can go awhile without nursing, let's just get it to the right time of day, or rather, night! So i'm going to get him at 3.5 hours between nursing just to harass him and try to nurse and maybe tonight will be better, and maybe I'll enjoy it more!!

Oh, incidentally, CJ is in daycare today so that is why I even have time to post and I took an 1.5 hour nap since Henry decided that the 6:30 feeding was the start of his day and I"d been up since 5:44 worrying he was dead. Early morning for mommy.

Big Changes

Okay, reading the beginning of the last post, well, things have changed. In the time since then, Henry has gotten increasingly fussy. I have come to accept that he likely has colic. But that hopefully at 6 weeks (just after the peak of fussiness) he will get better. IF not, then maybe at 12 weeks. It is easier if I just think "two more weeks..."

I didn't think it was colic because he isn't always crying, but apparently colic is characterized by fussiness, not necessarily crying. And yes, it lasts on and off for three hours at a time. The worst is the mornings. At about 5 or 6 am he'll usually nurse, but then I can't seem to get him to lay back down. I'm up every thirty or forty minutes and pick him up and he burps or farts, or just calms down and then I put him down and it starts all over again. This goes on until about 8 or 9. And that is usually coinciding with Charlotte waking up. So I"m trying to soothe him or sometimes nurse him while she wants to get up, get juice and breakfast, sit in my lap, etcetera.

This morning I greeted my husband by yelling "I'm going to fucking kill someone if I don't get some god-damn sleep!". Lovely.

So PPD?? probably. But what to do about it?? Nothing. Just get through I guess. I'll have a better week maybe this week since Dave only works Mon-wed. THat helps. Just three days. Then as long as Thanksgiving goes okay...I'll get a few days with Dave. He's tired too. No one likes a screaming baby. And when it is paired with a screaming toddler...well, you just wanna kill someone. Most people with ppd want to hurt the baby. I mostly want to hurt Charlotte and this makes me feel terrible!

Let's give it two more weeks. Two more weeks. Two more weeks. Two more...

Random Thoughts...

Wow, I have a few minutes, so we'll see what comes out. Lots of thoughts that I'd like to post, but not lots of time to post them!

Things are going well! Surprisingly, Henry seems to be just as good a sleeper as he is an eater. Maybe all the eating helps. He is nursing 2-3 hours apart during the day and the last couple of nights has done a few 4 hour stretches. Much different from CJ. She nursed about every 1-2 hours around the clock. I didn't even get a 3 hour break until she was two weeks and no 4 hour stretch until about christmastime.

Here is what I know about Henry. He is soooooo cute and I love his warm little head. I forgot how sweet a newborn can be. He hates diaper changes and cries violently, but it is getting better. I'm sure it has to do with the circumcision...ouch! He has to burp and poop ALOT during nursing, so I'm never quite sure when we're done. He'll pause to do both so even though he eats fast, it takes a while with all the little breaks he takes.

Charlotte just adores him and has plenty of confidence in holding him and pushing him on his swing. We try to tell her gentle (we say that about a million times a day to her) and she is pretty good, but she must be watched closely. She likes to help by putting blankets on him (scary) and insists when I'm nursing that it is "her turn!". She saw me nurse the first time and wanted to know what was happening. "henry eating?", she said. I said "can you say 'breastfeeding'?" and she said "Henry eating boob!" I guess that's all I can get from her right now.

We went to the mall and Lowes today as a family. Even with Dave I felt like managing the two was tough. just the logistics of the cart and the baby carrier. We took the new stroller for a test drive and CJ was okay with it at first, but it allows too much freedom if she isn't strapped in she'll jump right out.

Physically, I seem to be healing, though I'm dealing with hemorrhoids, which is new territory for me. But I put out some questions to my mothers and more group and find that I am not unique! So I am getting good advice. That is where the majority of my pain is coming from. I still can't believe I delivered naturally. Every time I lay down, I re-hash the whole thing in my head. I just can't believe how it all happened. So fast! I'm thankful for that and pretty darn scared about if I have another child! Dr. said I'd need to rent a Winnebago and live in the parking lot of the hospital the last month :-) Seriously.

Charlotte is napping, Henry is napping, and I just woke up from my nap so we are all doing great right now! Well, I think I'll use the rest of this free time to take care of house stuff.