Much Harder than I thought

(that's what she said)

So this two kid thing...um...really hard. I don't know if I have ppd or what. If I think I have it, maybe that means I don't, because if I did, then I'd be in denial and not think i had it. I don't know. What are my symptoms? Let's see...mostly just crazy. A vast majority of the time I'm doing okay. I get frustrated or sometimes I"m happy. But about once a day I lose it. Like I really get a little violent with the little guy. I swear alot. Charlotte knows who Jesus Christ is because mommy says it all the time. I like the baby because I can swear a blue streak and he won't repeat it. I wonder if he can sense it when I'm so pissed I'm about to bite him (haven't bitten him yet...well, not hard at least).

This morning I was so tired. I woke up at 1 am and 6:45 to nurse then when I got back into bed, Charlotte was yelling for me. But I refused to get her until 8. So I dozed while she yelled for about 30 minutes. I couldn't wait to take a nap. I thought maybe we'd just watch movies all day. But we didn't. And when the afternoon rolled around and I wasn't sure I would be able to get a nap in, I just got pissed and decided to run on the treadmill and get frustration out. Henry was sleeping and Charlotte watched some Curios George. Then after about 25 minutes of treadmill and 40 minutes of Henry nap, he woke up. I convinced Charlotte to nap even though she put on her snow boots and wanted to run on the treadmill with me (I promised we'd do it after the nap). I went up to Henry. This is the part that always throws me. He nursed at 11:45. It was now 1:45. Not really long enough to nurse. So i tried to rock him back to sleep for about a half an hour. This is when I went crazy. I was really pissed. He just wouldn't let me put him down. But he slept in my arms. So I finally nursed him (hoping there wasn't lactic acid in my milk from the exercise). And he went down. But I didn't burp him. So he woke up 1 minutes later, then I had to burp him and rock him more. But he's been sleeping maybe 10-15 minutes now. I hear a little murmur every now and then and I don't know if anyone but a mother of a newborn understands how it makes the hackles rise. I just pray silently....please, please, please, please, stay asleep, please don't wake up! At least not until I want you to.

Charlotte's naps have gone from a solid 2 hours down to about 1 or 1 and a half. This sucks. Timing the two was hard enough before, now the window is smaller. But if I don't nap when they do, I still want some "me" time. The little vampires suck on me (one of them literally) all day long.

Sleeping at night is horrible. I can't get to sleep. I know I'm tired, I know I need to sleep but I lie there. At 9:30 or 10 when I first lay down. Then again whenever I get up to nurse. Seems like the only time I can really sleep is by morning when the stupid kids are getting up!

We're planning on joining the Y and I look forward to that,I think. They won't take Henry (or H-bomb as we affectionately call him now) until 3 months. In the mean time, maybe I'll try to get a workout at home in during his morning nap from 10:15-10:45. Maybe by exercising it will be easier to sleep. Maybe the endorphins will help me not want to kill myself. It didn't really work today, I wonder how long it takes.