Two weeks old today!

Wow, the last two weeks have been amazing....ly hard!! YOu take all these classes, and read books, and talk to people for 9 months to prepare for labor. Then it is done in about a day, and before you know it, you're sent home with a new baby and no clue about what to do! If you're the laid-back type, you probably don't have a problem with this. But I'm not. I've spent every spare moment (though there aren't many) on the internet or with my nose in a book trying to figure out what "normal" is and what I"m supposed to do.

Being a mother apparently comes with a Ginormous guilty conscience and incredible amounts of self doubt. Add this to the serious lack of sleep and you get insanity. I know everyone talks about the lack of sleep, but what I've experienced so far simple can't be conveyed unless by actual experience.

At first, you're supposed to "demand-feed" your baby. Feed her when she wants to eat. Should be about 8 to 12 times in 24 hours, or every 2 or 3 hours. Fine. But what about when she wants more than that? The breastfeeding people (this isn't really a club, but an assortment of support group and lactation therapists) tell you, yes, some babies want to eat almost every hour. That is normal for some babies. It is called "cluster feeding" and it is really hard, but still okay.

Charlotte doesn't always want to eat every hour, usually it just happens at night. I'd go to bed at 9:30, toss and turn for an hour even though I'm exhausted my mind is racing and can't sleep til 10:30. Then Dave brings her up at 11:30 for feeding. This lasts an hour or so. I put her back down (12:30). Then she's up at 1:30 or 2:00. Feed for an hour, put her down at 3:00. She's up at 3:30, Oh, I guess she's not done. So I feed another 1/2 or so more. Fine, put her down at 4:00. She's up at 5:00. I ask Dave to settle her, I just fed her 1.5 hours worth, she can't be hungry. But somehow she is. I feed again, maybe just 30 minutes this time, and put her down at 5:30 and she sleeps til 7:00. Then she's up again for feeding. I get done at 7:45 and head back to bed, but she's up again at 9:00 and by that time, I'm up for the day, or I"m supposed to be.

Imagine this scenario for about 14 days. During the day I nap if I can, but usually can't get more than 1.5 hours at a stretch.

This is until yesterday. Dave went to DiGennaro's to brew and I was alone for the first time. I had a crummy (usual) night and woke up at 10:30 ish. I showered and ate lunch. Fed her at 11:00. Tried to nap from 12:30 to 1:30, no can do. Mind racing.

Jen calls and I'm in tears, I just can't take any more!! She says I should come over, and I decide to because I can't even think. Dave comes to get me (I still can't drive and really shouldn't in that state anyway). I'm balling and I get to Jen's balling and basically having a melt-down. I feed Charlotte and Jen gives me a pair of ear plugs and tells me to nap on her bed, she'll take the baby. I say it won't matter because she'll want to eat in 30 minutes anyway. But I lay down.

Two hours later, they get me. I got two hours of sleep! IN a row!! but have a royal headache from all the crying. Jen says that Charlotte sucked on Jen's finger for about an hour!! Huh, maybe she doesn't actually want to feed all the time, maybe she just needs a pacifier. Now, how come I never even thought of that?? Well, I didn't want to use a pacifier...nipple confusion. If an infant is trying to nurse and has a plastic nipple, she sometimes can't get the right suck for nursing.

Screw nipple confusion! Get me a pacifier! Since I woke up from that nap, where Charlotte was actually away from me long enough to work up a good appetite, which meant she ate well and then followed it by sleeping well, she has been a new baby.

Last night I fed her at 9:30, 1 am, 4 am, and 7 am. And, she only ate for about 30 minutes each time. I got about 10 hours of sleep. NOt in a row, of course, which does make a difference. But wow. ANd then today, the same thing. She's eating about every 2.5 to 3 hours. And she's been pretty good.

Jen and I went to the store and got pacifiers last night, but I haven't had to use it much. She doesn't seem to really like it, but then again, putting it in her mouth if she is actually hungry isn't going to work anyway. I did try it right after I fed her and put her down and she fussed a little. I put it in and sat down to write thank you's and she was quiet and so I thought, great, she loves it, but when I looked, she spat it out and was just sleeping. That is fine! I just want her to be quiet when necessary and wait a good amount of time for a feeding so that the feeding if full, not a "snack".

Oh, and infants are incredibly noisy!! They grunt and gurgle and sometimes cry out, then are quiet. They breathe loud and fast sometimes, and just when you want them to be quiet, they are and then you're up to check that they are still breathing!! I don't know how much longer she'll stay in the bassinett in our room, we might need to move her to the nursery so I can sleep a little better.

I feel better today, but one night of "better" sleep isn't exactly a cure-all. I"m still exhausted, but today I managed to clean off my desk, clean the kitchen, write a few thank-you's and chat with a few friends. If this keeps up, I'll be so happy...I just couldn't take anymore of the "night monster". But each night, I worry when the sun goes down. I dread the night because it was such hell. Maybe in a few days if this new schedule works out, the night won't seem so daunting.

God bless every mom. Tell your mom you love her and you're grateful.