Cautious Optomism

Good-ish news: Friday, Linda said that Charlotte finally took the bottle. She actually sucked down two four ounce bottles. This is somewhat less than I'd expect her to eat, but we are excited that she actually drank it like she should instead of the chewing thing. Friday night I went out and bought two pacifiers and nipples to match the one that she took (Nuk, by the way, size medium...I had the small ones and she won't take those). Saturday morning Dave tried to give her the bottle but she'd have none of it. Darn. But I remain hopeful that she'll get back to taking it this week. I'm not eager for work Monday, but I'm eager to find out how well she does. Especially with conferences this week...it would be so great if she'd take a bottle in the evening too so I don't have to feed her all night.

She has been kind of fussy this weekend and she's chewing on everything. Probably teething, we thought. she was chewing on my finger and I felt something sharp, and sure enough, there is a tiny white bud that is sort of sharp on her lower gums. Not in the typical place though, halfway between front and middle. I'd guess the third tooth over. Sort of sad....she is getting old so fast. But it'll probably recede again anyway.

Feeling Down

Today was sort of crappy, but it is mostly the culmination of crappy and the realization of more crappy to come. At school I feel so uninspired. I don't like my job. I don't like teaching, or what is teaching for these kids. I deal with so much crap. I don't mind planning, grading, helping kids. But I can't stand these lumps that don't do anything, then give you attitude and all you're trying to do is help them. They are so lazy and ungrateful. It is so much work to keep them to high standards and I just don't have the energy for that right now. I'm so tired from being up all the time. And I worry constantly about Charlotte. I know she could stand to lose a couple of pounds and I know she is reasonably happy. But I need MY freedom. I have conferences next week and I don't know what I'll do. She'll hardly eat all day and then I guess she won't eat at night because I won't be there. I'll just have to get up four times at night to feed her. I'm just so tired and beaten down.

I make good money teaching so it seems a shame to give it up. But what it has turned into...the kids we're getting. They're assholes and I'm sick of it. Their parents are assholes and I'm sick of that. I work ten times harder than them and it still doesn't make a difference. Sure, I have good kids, but looking to the future...where are the good kids? Not around here. I hear that the sixth graders are awful. They probably are. I should get out of this before I go postal. But I guess I'll have to finish the year. I don't know how I'll even finish the week.

I keep kleenex in the back room because I sit back there and pump and cry.

Back at Work

The first day was better than expected, but the second was horrible! Charlotte wouldn't take ANY milk from the bottle Monday. She took about 6 ounces Tuesday, and about 6 on Wednesday. I was hoping to see improvement, but she just chews the nipple and then swallows. She won't even suck! It makes me sad, and then she wants to nurse alot when we get her home. Which is okay since it is nice time to spend together. The first night she got up alot extra to eat, and then last night she didn't get up until 5 am (this was unfortunate timing since I woke up to pee at 4:30, the cat kept me up until 5, then she woke up at 5:15 to eat...and I got up at 6. I'm pretty darned tired.

The hardest thing right now about being back to work is that some of kids are being awful. The middle of winter...cabin fever...I'm sick of these disrespectful squirrelly kids.

Now it is Thursday and I'm still really really tired. Really. I can't wait for her to go to bed so that I can. Dave is being great, helping care for Charlotte. I'm so excited to see her at 3:30 when I get home...but then I'm not quite sure what to do with her. I feel like I need to maximize every moment with her since I'm not with her all day...but that's pretty hard.

Wednesday she took six ounces and today she took only four. I tried to feed her from the bottle to show her that it is okay, but that was not surprisingly met with lots of crying. So I just feed her. Am I teaching her that she doesn't have to eat during the day? What am I supposed to do...not feed her?! yeah, right. but the good news is that tuesday and wednesday nights she awoke only once. But again, I'm still pretty darn tired. I'm showing a movie in science so at least that's easy. Basically the easier the work is for the kids, the easier it is for me. it is only middle school and they won't remember anything anyway. Right?

Thrush, Rings, Work, and Sleep

Well, the thrush is still on Charlotte's tongue. I'm on a 13 day course of diflucan (antifungal) and now she is also. I called the ped. and she gave us the diflucan just today. I just have to squirt 1 ml in every day, not too bad. I started the nystatin again on Thursday and I already notice it getting better, but I think I'll do both for a little while to knock this thing out.

I'm starting to get used to the pretty ring. I feel like it isn't bad to replace my old one because Dave and I started a new chapter with Charlotte. I wouldn't have chosen the princess cut, but it is growing on me. Sometimes I don't know what is best for me. Usually Dave does.

Today i did a test run for driving to day care and work. I'm glad I did since it took more time to get her ready and drive from day care to work than I thought. I'm used to just dinking around with her in the mornings and taking my time. She's so bright and fun and just likes to smile...I need to start earlier so that we can still enjoy that. On the drive to work from day care I'll have to avoid the EGR school traffic, it took ten minutes to go two miles!

The rest of the day went pretty well. I'm not used to getting up at 6, but I'll have to get used to it pretty fast next week. Charlotte took a few naps today. She took one pretty late, at 6:00 until 6:30. Then she went to bed at 8:30, which is a little later than usual, but she went down SO WELL! She's been crying and has to be rocked to sleep for the last two or three weeks. But tonight she fell asleep feeding and I put her right down, which is great. Then I remembered that I forgot to put a disposable diaper on her....I wasn't sure if she was poopy or what and so I grit my teeth and went back in, unswaddled her and changed her diaper. Of course she woke up, but I swaddled her back up and put her in bed awake and thought I'd just try it. It seems to have worked...she's still asleep :-) if she can make it 20 minutes, she's usually down for the night. Now if I can just get her to NOT wake up for feeding in the night...it would be just great!

I'll be going into work tomorrow to take care of a few things and I did some planning while she napped today. It felt kind of good. I hope that I'll get the rest of the week planned tomorrow. Jen is watching Charlotte while I work for a couple of hours.

Ichiban- the lipstick for babies

Charlotte's purple mouth is starting to fade and I think we're both finally getting over the thrush. We started swaddling her at night and this seems to make a big difference. You wouldn't think a baby would like her arms pinned to her sides, but she seems to sleep better like that and even slept through the night Monday night when I swaddled her tight. Last night I swaddled her, but not real tight and she got up at 3:30 and she was out of it.

I've got lots on my mind about going back to work and I need to start writing stuff down so I stop obsessing about it. Just stuff about Charlotte, what to tell the day care, what to pack, how to set up the bottle stuff, etc. I thought I was coming to terms with back to work, but I cried about it again today. There is just no getting around it, I will have a really tough time, just like every other working mom. At least I only have 4 months and then summer!

Dave gave me quite a surprise. I had requested more "bling" for our 5th wedding anniversary. When we got married, I picked out some plain bands and felt like that was right for me. But then I started noticing other ladies's lovely sparkles. So I thought a nice channel set sparkly band (or two) would complement my ring nicely. But Dave gave me this:

You'll notice that it isn't my engagement stone. It's a whole new ring. The center stone is twice the size and the others add up to alot more than I thought I'd have. He said, "I know it is more that you wanted, but it is what you deserve". Very sweet. I'm not sure about it, I feel sad for my other rings, which we could make into necklaces. I generally prefer round brilliant cut to the princess square. I have 30 days to return it. Again, my original stone means so much. I just don't know. What do you think?

Purple Pie Gal of Porcupine Peak

Or shall I call her Purplesaurus Rex? Or maybe a Purple People Eater? Whatever you call her, she's cute!

I used Gentian violet to try to rid Charlotte and I of thrush (now I have real purple-nurples). It freaked me out the first morning when I saw her purple stained face, but I think it is working. Coincidentally, Charlotte also has found her tongue. She loves to stick it out, waggle it around, and show it off. Check out the video:

Our trip to Cleveland

Last weekend Dave and I headed back to his mom's house in Cleveland. I was nervous taking the baby so far and we haven't spent the night anywhere but home yet. but the ride was good, she slept the whole time. We stopped at the border and fed her. We left at 1:00 and got there at 6:30.

We got our pic taken for his mom's birthday (his sister's idea) and it was very nice. I just got my haircut and hadn't figured out how to do it best yet. Today I felt like I finally liked it. Too late!

Our trip home was memorable. We stopped again at the border this time to gas up and found that our headlights and brake lights were out! Scary. With the crummy weather, headlights are necessary, and brake lights are always necessary. But we didn't want to leave the car on the other side of he state and have to go back to get it somehow. So we decided to chance it and drove straight home. This was tough since the baby was supposed to eat at 3:30 and we got home at 5:30 and man was she hungry!

I took the car in today and we need a new light modulator. They gave us a loaner that is rather nice, a BMW X3, it's a 2007 SUV and it has a heated stearing wheel!

While we were in cleveland I was experiencing alot of pain and soreness in my right breast and I called my sister who said that she had plugged ducts and to use a hot water bottle on it. I also called the lactation consultants at Baby Beloved and they gave me some interesting suggestions. one was to feed baby in football hold and Australian hold (baby sits on lap straddling leg) and to feel "on all fours". I did these things and it looks like I'm all better :-) this is good since a plugged duct could develop into mastitis and be infected and need medicine and be really really painful.

So one week left til I go back to work. Gradually preparing myself even though there is no real preparation.