Feeling Down

Today was sort of crappy, but it is mostly the culmination of crappy and the realization of more crappy to come. At school I feel so uninspired. I don't like my job. I don't like teaching, or what is teaching for these kids. I deal with so much crap. I don't mind planning, grading, helping kids. But I can't stand these lumps that don't do anything, then give you attitude and all you're trying to do is help them. They are so lazy and ungrateful. It is so much work to keep them to high standards and I just don't have the energy for that right now. I'm so tired from being up all the time. And I worry constantly about Charlotte. I know she could stand to lose a couple of pounds and I know she is reasonably happy. But I need MY freedom. I have conferences next week and I don't know what I'll do. She'll hardly eat all day and then I guess she won't eat at night because I won't be there. I'll just have to get up four times at night to feed her. I'm just so tired and beaten down.

I make good money teaching so it seems a shame to give it up. But what it has turned into...the kids we're getting. They're assholes and I'm sick of it. Their parents are assholes and I'm sick of that. I work ten times harder than them and it still doesn't make a difference. Sure, I have good kids, but looking to the future...where are the good kids? Not around here. I hear that the sixth graders are awful. They probably are. I should get out of this before I go postal. But I guess I'll have to finish the year. I don't know how I'll even finish the week.

I keep kleenex in the back room because I sit back there and pump and cry.