New hair

I have always wanted to something interesting/dramatic with my hair. But as a teacher, I never felt free to really do that. So now I am not teaching, pregnant, or nursing. So I went ahead and did it. I really do like it- it was just what I wanted. Just more $$ than I wanted.

Happy at Home

Wow! Over a month since last post, pretty pathetic. And the last thing that got me to post was $100. Alas, I have found no more money. Just having thoughts about every day things I'd like to post about and never having the time. Never making the time. It is something you need to commit to, right Roland?

Anyway, little charlotte is doing just great. She is thinking hard about walking. We actually got a short video of her taking I think 15 steps. She hasn't done anything close to that since then. She is up and around all the time. We are weaning and that is a huge emotional thing for me. I didn't realize how hard it would be for me. She hardly seems to notice. We dropped the noon nursing on Monday and then the 4:00 starting Tuesday. I figured I would just see how she took it. It was extra hard since at first she wouldn't take any cows milk to replace it. so I worried that she'd starve. The funny thing is that I'm really not making much milk, so nursing her was causing her to starve more than anything else! She started getting up more than her usual once per night. She was getting up two or three times at night and I'd nurse her because it was just easier than anything else. But I might have done her a disservice. My husband was actually correct that she should be sleeping through the night and that we need to let her "cry it out" a little. Just a little, still go to her and make sure she is okay. It took a couple of days for me to be okay with this. The last two nights we have employed this and it hasn't been too bad. Since I've plyed her with food all day she didn't wake up until 4 or 5 am. Not bad. Before that she woke up as early as 11:30!!

We have lots of good days and some bad ones. Last week for the first time I actually wished I had a job. just to relieve the monotony. We try to go to playgroups and I'm exploring the play areas at the malls. I'm doing alot with Mothers and More. I am now a co-leader. At first it was stressful, but now it isn't too bad. The hard things, as usual, is being tactful with women. My logical side is overdeveloped and sometimes I just don't know how to approach something that might hurt someone else's feelings, especially when I think it shouldn't hurt her feelings.it is good for me.

I'm thinking of a new "project". I'd like to make Charlotte a play kitchen. Originally I wanted to make it for her second Christmas, but I think I just might be able to do it this year! IT costs about $200-$400 for a nice one and I think I could make one just fine. Plus it is fun to have my little projects.

Though it is getting tough to do things. Charlotte naps about 45 minutes a day. Which is really a nice amount of time to check my email, have a snack, relax, get out stuff to get something done (vacuum, dust, paint, etc.) and then she wakes up! That is okay, I love her!

I'm getting myself ready to think about another one. Exciting. So much love in kids, I can't believe it. But it is difficult too. Those tough days, they are really really tough. And what it does to your marraige, makes it stronger in some ways, but so hard to remember to put your partner first. Especially when taking care of that baby who needs you so much. But since I"m just down to nursing her twice a day and going to stop completely soon (sniff!) I can't believe I'll have my body back to just me! I haven't had that since February of 2006. I might need a month or two just to enjoy that before we get serious about trying.

But I'm happy being home and I LOVE being a mom to Charlotte. Her first birthday is next Monday and I'm so excited. i got her a baby doll and I just know she'll love her so much.

A Hundred Bucks

This morning was one of those where we just had it with our set up. This can happen in any room of the house, though the kitchen is a nice target since it seems to be full of stuff we don't use. Today it was the silverware drawer. I guess we had about 42 spoons and forks for Charlotte and we hardly use them. There were straws, keys, random instruction sheets, cheese cutter, and a host of other things. So we cleaned it out. In the back I found a dollar! Wait, no there is a 0, it is a ten! Um, no, there are two 0's...a one hundred dollar bill!

What the hell is that doing there? Did I put it there? Did I do it on purpose? Why would I put so much money in the back of the drawer underneath junk I never use?? Well, cool anyway. Just think how much I could make if we cleaned the whole kitchen!

Nipple Nipping

Last night at the before bed nursing, Charlotte gave my nipple a chomp! It really surprised me. I thought maybe she was impatient with that side and so I switched sides. On the other side, she gave an even harder Chomp! This made me grimace and then that hurt my face and made me cry. So I called Jen and asked what I'm supposed to do and I guess just saying "no" in a very firm voice and then stopping nursing if it continues. So I tried once more and she looked up at me, and very deliberately and slowly...Chomped! So I took her off and put her to bed. I felt so odd, I always thought the before bed nursing was important to her and I figured then I'd be up in a couple of hours to nurse her since she'll obviously be hungry. But she slept until 7 this morning!

So then when she woke up I was so nervous I was afraid she'd bite me more. But it went okay. When I nursed her next, she did give me a little chomp so I said "no" again and put her down. She cried and crawled around after me for 10 or 15 minutes than I put her back to breast and everything was fine. No biting tonight, so I'm starting to relax.

But if this biting thing continues...I just don't know. Holy cow, did it hurt! I don't know how much of that I could tolerate. And she only has two bottom teeth! I just so wanted to make it at least a year so I could avoid formula. I guess if I have to go to that it isn't too bad, but I've made it so far. And good for me! Instead of people saying (so pointedly) "you're STILL nursing??!", I'd like to hear a "good for you"! Because, well, it is hard and a big sacrifice. And I'm so glad I did it.

Oh, here is a cute pic of the baby doll, she was mimicking me and pursing her lips in a kissy face:

And just looking cute:
And having a glass of wine before dinner:

Better, Stronger, Faster?

Today I had surgery to put in the titanium implant for tooth #7, aka the bane of my dental life. The good news is that I was totally under IV anesthesia so although I was panicky and scared, I don't actually remember much of it. I am home today on Vicodin. Napping alot and just hanging out. Charlotte, is of course, at day care. It is crazy that I thought I'd clean the toilets, do some sewing, do dishes, etc. and really I am in some pain and woozy from the drugs and I just need to chill.

We had a very nice weekend. Charlotte, Dave, and I went to BW3 for dinner Friday night and this is always fun. We did find out though that we might be getting to the point where out to eat with the baby is not really worth it. She is so much more mobile. She can sit in her high chair and eat with us, but she doenn't have the patience to just hang out. She wants to move around and crawl and stand and explore, God bless her. So we'll be going out to eat less which is probably best.

Then on Saturday, team Baker went to Muskegon and first stopped at my brother Chip's house where Daddy brewed late into the night. Then Mommy and Charlotte went to Grandma Stewart's and spent the night. Then at about noon we went out sailing with Uncle Chip and his new Lady Friend Colleen (who is very nice and passed the test... although anyone that I can chat with can pass the test!). Unfortunately, Daddy got pretty seasick. Oh, Charlotte stayed with grandma, too, so it was relaxing for mommy.

I notice I've now taken on the voice of Charlotte, so maybe it is time for me to stop.

Baby Pockets

I am officially selling my Baby Pockets for $20 (price might go up for art fairs). Here are some sample patterns for them and a pic of what it looks like to wear one. My baby is 10 months and the Mary's son, Luke, is 18 months, so I think they're good up to about 24 months!

Baby Sling

I'm thinking about selling those baby slings I made. I think I could start with $20. I don't think I'd use the internet, maybe art fairs? Here is a pic showing how I could carry Charlotte and move a table on vacation. And there is Mary and I at the winery, we both wore the slings while wine-tasting. It is a hands-free device!

New Haircut

I got my hair chopped off! I think it looks great and the pictures don't to it justice. Plus, my husband assures me that this cut is "all the rage in hollywood". Very short in back, longer in front. It is new and I like it.

Also, charlotte is getting enough hair to have bedhead. So cute. OH, and she's crawling like crazy.

Charlotte on the move!

Charlotte is crawling as of last week, starting about the 23 or 24 of July. Well, mostly a crawl. She usually has her right leg pretty straight and walks with that one and uses her left knee to crawl on the other side. She is also really big about standing and walking with help.

Oh, and her tongue is usually out since she if feeling where her NEW TEETH are coming in! Bottom right side is through, working on left side.

She had her first trip to the beach on the 21st of July.





Here is a the cite with pics of that and Nita's visit ( copy and paste into browser, then click on the photo album on the left): http://www.kodakgallery.com/AlbumMenu.jsp?&view=1&page=&sort_order=&albumsperpage=&ownerid=79079749111&navfolderid=2007

New Hutch

The other day as I was driving home I saw a sign for an estate sale. I was interested in getting a hutch or something to keep the pretty things grandma has given us. I found one and I thought it was old at first, but it isn't. But I still think I paid an okay price at $100. Not a great deal by any means, but a fair price and I think for the same money I couldn't get anything half as nice brand new.

I also got some dessert plates and teacups. I thought I paid an okay price on these, but mostly I think they are cute and I intend to use them. I paid $24 for the set of 8. I saw on the internet that a set of 8 coffee cups go for $85. So maybe that makes up for the hutch.

Sew Happy

First update: Charlotte has an ear infection. Not a surprise. I had an appt. for tomorrow, but Mary suggested I get in today. She was sounding pretty sure it was an ear infection and it is easy to tell (look in the ears). So yep, Charlotte is on some antibiotic plus a "cocktail" of tylenol and benedryl. At least she'll sleep a little better until the antibiotic kicks in. So in addition to the super cranky little darling who won't nurse, I had to go get prescriptions, and then the damn pharmacy didn't have it, so then I had to go back after chasing around all damn day. And dave is gone on some wonderful sailing trip with my brother. I'm thinking he owes me for this one for sure.




Back to the title of the post, I've been sewing a whole bunch (thanks again to Susan, my personal sewing tutor). I saw a "baby sling" at Baby Beloved last week and figured I could make it. Plus, I heard that Target is carrying some that are like $50. So i went to the fabric store and made one. It is pretty great. I already made five more! Then I gave one as a gift at a baby shower and a friend asked me to make three more for her! She'd pay, of course. I'm a little nervous because I'm pretty sure they are safe..I mean, I use mine with Charlotte all the time...I use a triple straight stitch across the main seam and then I finish the seam. What do you think, Susan? I didn't get a pic of the one I already gave away. I also tried to put a little detail on the edges and sewed on little "homemade" tags. You can click a pic to see closer up.

Sick Baby Doll

So much to say. I'll probably blog several times in the next few days. Charlotte is sick. She had a slight fever on Saturday and Sunday and a runny nose. Probably teething, I thought. Also some diarrhea (also a teething symptom). But then her temp went way up.Monday and Tuesday were miserable. She only wanted to be held. Trouble sleeping at night. I nursed her like every hour and a half. But it made her happier. She didn't eat any solid food, so her stools were runny anyway. I took her to the doctor on Tuesday and he said that it was likely a summer virus that is pretty typical and has all those symptoms. She broker her fever on Wednesday evening and was much happier. Smiling and playing. She claps now, it is so cute. Thursday she was okay, not her usual self entirely, but much better, walking around, etc. Then last night was horrible again. She wouldn't sleep unless I held her and she isn't nursing well. So I usually nurse her when she is upset and that always works. But when she won't nurse...oh, it is awful! I don't know what non-nursing moms do, seriously! Nursing may be best for baby, but I'm sure it is even better for moms.
Another doctor appt. today at 4:30. We'll see...I'm pretty sure it is an ear infection. Some antibiotics and hopefully all will be well again soon.

Fun in the sun!

Haven't posted in a long time (as reminded by a friend). Just having too much fun with my girl. We went out on Chip's boat for Father's day. Charlotte was pretty good, but hated the infant life vest. When we took it off her, she sat in the sun on the deck and played very well. She'd going great; sitting up well and can walk with help from us. She is thinking about crawling, but not quite there. She pushes up on hands but can't get knees under her. She takes baths in the kitchen sink and tries to suck on the faucet. We went to friends's houses and have been in pools. Charlotte loves the water. She is getting tan despite our best efforts to keep her safe from the sun. There is a picture of her in the pool with her tan little feet against Jackson's pearly white skin. I also have some videos I can post later.

Some Charlotte

and check out the pics on her web page!
http://web.mac.com/bake3310/iWeb/Charlotte%20Jane/6%20month%20pictures.html

The flipper: 3-6 more months

On Monday of this week I had my oral surgery. Thankfully, Dave was able to be home so that he could drive me. As the doctor spoke with me about the procedure I began to cry a little and so he gave me IV drugs to make me knocked out (free of charge, even). Afterward I was given Vicodin and motrin and sent on my way with my false tooth in place on the flipper. That is the retainer thing I have to wear.

It was an awful week last week. I was in alot of pain and pretty much detest the flipper. I went to the dentist to see about the flipper but he said it fit fine, it was "referred pain" that made it feel uncomfortable. Then I went back to the surgeon because I lost one of my two stitches Monday night and then the collagen plug came out and it is a big hole. Then it wouldn't stop bleeding and I got a blood clot which had to be plucked out (eeew). Then it bled alot more, another clot, more bleeding, etc.

But now it is okay. I'm off pain meds though I have to leave the flipper in to eat and that is tough. I also can't really bite off anything. Lots of cutting stuff up tiny.

Also, the implant was not implanted since the doctor found infection, he had to inject bone grafting materials. So in AUGUST I might get the implant (providing the healing is going well) and then a couple of months after that, the abutement and crown. A long road for tooth #7.

Dental Drama

Okay, i called the dentist first thing this morning and they got me in at 11:20 (I got someone to cover my classes and go back at 12:30, pumped, at lunch, and was teaching at 1:00). The bad news: my tooth is totally screwed up. This tooth, by the way, started plaguing me at age 10! The baby tooth was pulled. The adult tooth wouldn't descend which screwed up alignment in all my teeth. Surgery in 7th grade to scrape off the gum and glue on a bracket for braces. Four years later, the braces come off. 7 years later there is badness and needs a root canal. Then there is a cyst (size of a skittle) to be removed with surgery. Then there is another root canal for some reason. Then Dave says "Hey, why do you have a dark tooth" and I found out it had "died". So it was ground down to a nubbin and a crown was put on. Two years later, a co-worker says, "hey, that crown looks shabby, you should have it re-done" to which the dentist said, yes, it isn't our best work, we'll re-do it for free. new crown. Falls off two years ago. Reglued and replaced since it broke off the stump that held it into the root-canaled empty root. Now it is loose. x-rays later this morning it is revealed that the remaining root (which isn't much) is cracked in half on both sides. what I need: Extraction (pulling it out, don't ask me how or what they'll pull on). Then a titanium root is inserted. Then I get a retainer with a fake tooth on it because there will be a big whole. This will last three to six months. Then they'll put on a new crown. Oh, and after insurance pays the measly $600 or so it covers, I'll owe about $3,000. Nice. oh, and I'm out of sick days so I'll need Jen to take Charlotte to her sixth month appointment on the 16th of May (I'll meet up with her briefly to nurse if someone covers my classes) so that I can take the next day off to start the horrors.

Did I mention that this is a front tooth?

Dave has renamed it "super tooth", which made me laugh (and cry).

Thank you to everyone who sent nice comments about my plight. Just one day at a time, I guess. I suppose this has reaffirmed my faith in god because all I can do is pray for strength right now (remember the old "footsteps" story?).

The end of my rope

1. I have a 6 month old baby.
2. I breastfeed, so I am the baby's only source of food.
3. I get up at 5:oo am to nurse the baby pretty much every day.
4. I get up at least once at night to put the cat outside because he is making too much noise begging for attention by banging on walls and doors.
5. I get up for work at 5:55.
6. I work full time.
7. As a middle school teacher.
8. I have a crown on my front tooth that is loose and about to fall off and I have to wait 4 days for a dentist appointment and I don't even know what I'll do with the baby then.
9. The cat is now peeing on things (twice in front of me) because he wants more attention
10. My husband is out of town and has been steadily since March 21.
11. He will be out of town until the end of May.

I am a single mom working full time with a pain in the ass cat and a broken tooth. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Note the lack of cute smilies after that statement. I'm not laughing. I'm not smiling. I'm pretty much doing alot of crying.

Ahhhh....spring!

Also, Ahhhhh...a day off! I took a personal day today to just have some Katie time. Jen was kind enough to pick up Charlotte and bring her to daycare so that I could go back to sleep. I slept until 10:30. I have so far mostly laid around. Considering that this has not happened for about 6 months, I think I deserve it. Also, Dave will be gone for the next two week, weekend included, so there are no breaks there. I've enlisted the help of kind friend Jen to give her a bottle a couple of times this weekend. This is because I'm participating in a breast pump study (I get $100) and I have to pump twice a day, even on weekends so someone has to give Charlotte a bottle.

The last week or so I"ve been agonizing about the whole work situation. The question has been: Work part time or no time? Many say that if you CAN do stay at home, to take it! But there are other considerations. The plusses of working part time? Well, I contribute toward years of service and my retirement. I get non-baby/adult time (this is reduced slightly since I mostly see 7th graders). I get extra $$, which is nice and can help us to buy a house in a better school district for Charlotte. Also, I am guaranteed a job year to year instead of having to start all over in the job hunt, and I love my co-workers!

But I'm leaning more toward just being at home. IT is hard to make a decision now since Charlotte is waking up at night and Dave is gone ALOT...so it is really crappy right now. But even with part time I'd likely be at school from 7:30 until noon. And right now my job satisfaction is pretty low. I'm struggling with some of these kids and they are so ungrateful and I"m stressed. Of course, again, I'm doing full time now and teaching three different classes (including science, which is notoriously harder to prep for)...If I went part time I"d just be doing one prep.

Wow, when I started typing, I was 90% sure to stay at home. But now it doesn't seem so bad. Of course, now I'm sitting at home on a day off with no kid and no work. Everything seems easy now. I think Charlotte does need me at home and that I am the best care for her. And if I"m pregnant again next spring, working would suck.

Anyway, the purpose of the post was going to be to about last weekend and how nice it was. We got outside and Charlotte spent some time in her little tent, with her sunglasses on, and in her adirondack chair (got at a garage sale for $1.00 which explains the sticker on her). Remember, you can click on a pic to "enbiggen" as Susan says.

























We also gave her her first rice cereal, here is a movie of it.

Easter

Easter was a good time
with the Mothers and More easter egg hunt. Charlotte didn't hunt so much, but mom and dad had a good time socializing. Then on Sunday we went to my mom's.

Well, Charlotte and I have had our first colds together. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she got an anti-biotic for a sinus infection. I'm just toughing it out....for now. She is managing it pretty well. I suck the snot out as much as I can. She has a little trouble nursing since she's so congested. She nurses a bit then pulls away and gasps! then goes back to it.

Spring break was great. The nicest part was finding out the good news that Dave is getting a raise/promotion and will at some point actually be transferred to development. The bad news is that we don't know when. The "schedule" has Dave in Ohio until the end of May. This is pretty tough...I don't know if I can do it. Charlotte is wonderful, but it really sucks to be alone. He's already been gone four weeks and a weekend. But he'll be home next weekend (whoa, two in a row) so that is nice :-)

We just took Charlotte on a walk and she had her sunglasses on. So cute. She looked like an extreme snowboarding baby in her snowsuit and sunglasses.


Today we did laundry. Charlotte helped.

I'm pretty sure I won't be working full time next year. I meet with my principal on Monday to discuss part time options tomorrow. I don't think he'll have all that much to say...it's isn't all in his power. Making through the rest of the year will be pretty hard. I just want to be with Charlotte, and Dave. But it is mid-April already and only two months to go. I'll leave you with a video of Charlotte. She is watching daddy eat pizza...I think she might be ready for food.

Charlotte and Kiera at Ikea

What good friends!

Spring Break!

I am officially on Spring Break! Yippee. On Friday, I took charlotte to day care while I cleaned. I've never worked so hard! Every time I wanted a break, I had to remember that this was my one chance to get this stuff done! I vacuumed the house from tippy top to the very bottom and even did all the crevices. I cleaned the kitchen and both bathrooms. I did a load of laundry and one of diapers. I cleaned Charlotte's room. I got her four hours later and was exhausted! Still, I went for a walk with Charlotte and Jen and Kiera since the weather was nice and this time of year you just can't count on that all the time.

On Saturday we went to Muskegon and spent the day with my grandma and my dad. It was a really lovely day and we had fun. Some of the photos are posted on Charlotte's site and I can't remember how to link a site to here, so you'll have to copy and paste it in. http://web.mac.com/bake3310/iWeb/Charlotte%20Jane/St.%20Patrick%27s%20Day%20and%20Gigi.html

Today we just chilled at home for most of the day and then we went to target. I only needed a couple of things, but walked away with more, like usual. One great find was these sunglasses for Charlotte. It was chilly, so she had her hat on, she isn't going snowboarding or anything!




Charlotte has also just learned how to make high-pitched squealing noises. These are very fun to make and therefore must be made often. She also seems to have gotten her first cold. She has a very runny nose and when she sneezes, great rivers of clear snot come out. It doesn't seem to have slowed her down, though. I use the aspirator (my sister told me I'd need these and I thought she was crazy until now) and suck out as much as I can. I also put a rolled up blanket under the crib mattress so she's on an incline for drainage and I have a humidifier with eucalyptus scent going in her room.

Dave is out of town. In Ohio, Columbus I think. He'll be gone until April 6 I think, so that is very sad and we miss him dearly. Meanwhile, Charlotte and I are doing alot of hanging out. I'm so thankful for the warm weather and the jogging stroller we got. It is really nice to go over all the bumpy sidewalks around us. I have this two mile path I take for walks. I never noticed how incredibly hilly that path is until I was pregnant and huffed and puffed and I thought, after this baby, I'll have such an easier time. But now with the stroller I still struggle and the darn thing is on wheels!

Yesterday I felt inspired and decided to jog a little with the jogger. I learned many things: 1. I can't go further than a block or so. 2. Somehow, it made my arms sore 3. That goodness I was wearing dark short because I peed my pants. Yes, a sad fact of having a baby is that your pee muscles are decimated. They say to do your Kegel exercies (these can stop the flow of urine so you know when you're working them). I did not take this nearly seriously enough! I can't stop my pee, let alone not pee while running. I didn't even think I had to Pee! So pregnant women listen closely: Do your kegels! Because peeing while you run is pretty crappy.

Charlotte may be giving up her evening nap, darn it. She didn't take one yesterday, though she is blessedly asleep right now. This is why I have time to type this. That and the fact that I did crock pot dinner and have no intention of cleaning anything up. She is sleeping through the night, though and I'm thankful for that. She is a little doll and I love her soooooo much. What a wonderful thing, a child.

Oh, and see more pictures of "Charlotte's fourth month": http://web.mac.com/bake3310/iWeb/Charlotte%20Jane/4th%20Month.html

Sleeping like a Baby

Great news! Charlotte has now, for two weeks, repeatedly taken the bottle. After a few days of taking it (about 4 ounces each), I asked Linda to try more. I pump more than that at work so I figured she really needed more. The doctor also suggested 6 ounce bottles. Today she had 6.5 at 11 and then 5 ounces at 2 pm. I think this is helping the sleep. She slept through the night for the first time in a while last Monday night, then again Wednesday, then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I think we're in! I feel better, but it will take a while to really recover from four months without sleep.

I took her to Baby Beloved today to weigh her. 18 lbs. So no gain in two weeks, but that is fine. She's still giant. I tried to show the lady there her tooth, but it's gone!! I guess it went back down. But it WAS there! Plain as day. I'm sad it's gone, mostly since now we'll have to go through it all again.

Work sucks, of course. I can handle it, but I don't like it. Just so hard to work full time and have her. Plus, Dave is headed out of town for a three-week stint at the end of March. Darn.

Cautious Optomism

Good-ish news: Friday, Linda said that Charlotte finally took the bottle. She actually sucked down two four ounce bottles. This is somewhat less than I'd expect her to eat, but we are excited that she actually drank it like she should instead of the chewing thing. Friday night I went out and bought two pacifiers and nipples to match the one that she took (Nuk, by the way, size medium...I had the small ones and she won't take those). Saturday morning Dave tried to give her the bottle but she'd have none of it. Darn. But I remain hopeful that she'll get back to taking it this week. I'm not eager for work Monday, but I'm eager to find out how well she does. Especially with conferences this week...it would be so great if she'd take a bottle in the evening too so I don't have to feed her all night.

She has been kind of fussy this weekend and she's chewing on everything. Probably teething, we thought. she was chewing on my finger and I felt something sharp, and sure enough, there is a tiny white bud that is sort of sharp on her lower gums. Not in the typical place though, halfway between front and middle. I'd guess the third tooth over. Sort of sad....she is getting old so fast. But it'll probably recede again anyway.

Feeling Down

Today was sort of crappy, but it is mostly the culmination of crappy and the realization of more crappy to come. At school I feel so uninspired. I don't like my job. I don't like teaching, or what is teaching for these kids. I deal with so much crap. I don't mind planning, grading, helping kids. But I can't stand these lumps that don't do anything, then give you attitude and all you're trying to do is help them. They are so lazy and ungrateful. It is so much work to keep them to high standards and I just don't have the energy for that right now. I'm so tired from being up all the time. And I worry constantly about Charlotte. I know she could stand to lose a couple of pounds and I know she is reasonably happy. But I need MY freedom. I have conferences next week and I don't know what I'll do. She'll hardly eat all day and then I guess she won't eat at night because I won't be there. I'll just have to get up four times at night to feed her. I'm just so tired and beaten down.

I make good money teaching so it seems a shame to give it up. But what it has turned into...the kids we're getting. They're assholes and I'm sick of it. Their parents are assholes and I'm sick of that. I work ten times harder than them and it still doesn't make a difference. Sure, I have good kids, but looking to the future...where are the good kids? Not around here. I hear that the sixth graders are awful. They probably are. I should get out of this before I go postal. But I guess I'll have to finish the year. I don't know how I'll even finish the week.

I keep kleenex in the back room because I sit back there and pump and cry.

Back at Work

The first day was better than expected, but the second was horrible! Charlotte wouldn't take ANY milk from the bottle Monday. She took about 6 ounces Tuesday, and about 6 on Wednesday. I was hoping to see improvement, but she just chews the nipple and then swallows. She won't even suck! It makes me sad, and then she wants to nurse alot when we get her home. Which is okay since it is nice time to spend together. The first night she got up alot extra to eat, and then last night she didn't get up until 5 am (this was unfortunate timing since I woke up to pee at 4:30, the cat kept me up until 5, then she woke up at 5:15 to eat...and I got up at 6. I'm pretty darned tired.

The hardest thing right now about being back to work is that some of kids are being awful. The middle of winter...cabin fever...I'm sick of these disrespectful squirrelly kids.

Now it is Thursday and I'm still really really tired. Really. I can't wait for her to go to bed so that I can. Dave is being great, helping care for Charlotte. I'm so excited to see her at 3:30 when I get home...but then I'm not quite sure what to do with her. I feel like I need to maximize every moment with her since I'm not with her all day...but that's pretty hard.

Wednesday she took six ounces and today she took only four. I tried to feed her from the bottle to show her that it is okay, but that was not surprisingly met with lots of crying. So I just feed her. Am I teaching her that she doesn't have to eat during the day? What am I supposed to do...not feed her?! yeah, right. but the good news is that tuesday and wednesday nights she awoke only once. But again, I'm still pretty darn tired. I'm showing a movie in science so at least that's easy. Basically the easier the work is for the kids, the easier it is for me. it is only middle school and they won't remember anything anyway. Right?

Thrush, Rings, Work, and Sleep

Well, the thrush is still on Charlotte's tongue. I'm on a 13 day course of diflucan (antifungal) and now she is also. I called the ped. and she gave us the diflucan just today. I just have to squirt 1 ml in every day, not too bad. I started the nystatin again on Thursday and I already notice it getting better, but I think I'll do both for a little while to knock this thing out.

I'm starting to get used to the pretty ring. I feel like it isn't bad to replace my old one because Dave and I started a new chapter with Charlotte. I wouldn't have chosen the princess cut, but it is growing on me. Sometimes I don't know what is best for me. Usually Dave does.

Today i did a test run for driving to day care and work. I'm glad I did since it took more time to get her ready and drive from day care to work than I thought. I'm used to just dinking around with her in the mornings and taking my time. She's so bright and fun and just likes to smile...I need to start earlier so that we can still enjoy that. On the drive to work from day care I'll have to avoid the EGR school traffic, it took ten minutes to go two miles!

The rest of the day went pretty well. I'm not used to getting up at 6, but I'll have to get used to it pretty fast next week. Charlotte took a few naps today. She took one pretty late, at 6:00 until 6:30. Then she went to bed at 8:30, which is a little later than usual, but she went down SO WELL! She's been crying and has to be rocked to sleep for the last two or three weeks. But tonight she fell asleep feeding and I put her right down, which is great. Then I remembered that I forgot to put a disposable diaper on her....I wasn't sure if she was poopy or what and so I grit my teeth and went back in, unswaddled her and changed her diaper. Of course she woke up, but I swaddled her back up and put her in bed awake and thought I'd just try it. It seems to have worked...she's still asleep :-) if she can make it 20 minutes, she's usually down for the night. Now if I can just get her to NOT wake up for feeding in the night...it would be just great!

I'll be going into work tomorrow to take care of a few things and I did some planning while she napped today. It felt kind of good. I hope that I'll get the rest of the week planned tomorrow. Jen is watching Charlotte while I work for a couple of hours.

Ichiban- the lipstick for babies

Charlotte's purple mouth is starting to fade and I think we're both finally getting over the thrush. We started swaddling her at night and this seems to make a big difference. You wouldn't think a baby would like her arms pinned to her sides, but she seems to sleep better like that and even slept through the night Monday night when I swaddled her tight. Last night I swaddled her, but not real tight and she got up at 3:30 and she was out of it.

I've got lots on my mind about going back to work and I need to start writing stuff down so I stop obsessing about it. Just stuff about Charlotte, what to tell the day care, what to pack, how to set up the bottle stuff, etc. I thought I was coming to terms with back to work, but I cried about it again today. There is just no getting around it, I will have a really tough time, just like every other working mom. At least I only have 4 months and then summer!

Dave gave me quite a surprise. I had requested more "bling" for our 5th wedding anniversary. When we got married, I picked out some plain bands and felt like that was right for me. But then I started noticing other ladies's lovely sparkles. So I thought a nice channel set sparkly band (or two) would complement my ring nicely. But Dave gave me this:

You'll notice that it isn't my engagement stone. It's a whole new ring. The center stone is twice the size and the others add up to alot more than I thought I'd have. He said, "I know it is more that you wanted, but it is what you deserve". Very sweet. I'm not sure about it, I feel sad for my other rings, which we could make into necklaces. I generally prefer round brilliant cut to the princess square. I have 30 days to return it. Again, my original stone means so much. I just don't know. What do you think?

Purple Pie Gal of Porcupine Peak

Or shall I call her Purplesaurus Rex? Or maybe a Purple People Eater? Whatever you call her, she's cute!

I used Gentian violet to try to rid Charlotte and I of thrush (now I have real purple-nurples). It freaked me out the first morning when I saw her purple stained face, but I think it is working. Coincidentally, Charlotte also has found her tongue. She loves to stick it out, waggle it around, and show it off. Check out the video:

Our trip to Cleveland

Last weekend Dave and I headed back to his mom's house in Cleveland. I was nervous taking the baby so far and we haven't spent the night anywhere but home yet. but the ride was good, she slept the whole time. We stopped at the border and fed her. We left at 1:00 and got there at 6:30.

We got our pic taken for his mom's birthday (his sister's idea) and it was very nice. I just got my haircut and hadn't figured out how to do it best yet. Today I felt like I finally liked it. Too late!

Our trip home was memorable. We stopped again at the border this time to gas up and found that our headlights and brake lights were out! Scary. With the crummy weather, headlights are necessary, and brake lights are always necessary. But we didn't want to leave the car on the other side of he state and have to go back to get it somehow. So we decided to chance it and drove straight home. This was tough since the baby was supposed to eat at 3:30 and we got home at 5:30 and man was she hungry!

I took the car in today and we need a new light modulator. They gave us a loaner that is rather nice, a BMW X3, it's a 2007 SUV and it has a heated stearing wheel!

While we were in cleveland I was experiencing alot of pain and soreness in my right breast and I called my sister who said that she had plugged ducts and to use a hot water bottle on it. I also called the lactation consultants at Baby Beloved and they gave me some interesting suggestions. one was to feed baby in football hold and Australian hold (baby sits on lap straddling leg) and to feel "on all fours". I did these things and it looks like I'm all better :-) this is good since a plugged duct could develop into mastitis and be infected and need medicine and be really really painful.

So one week left til I go back to work. Gradually preparing myself even though there is no real preparation.

Do I have to go back to work?

The answer is no, but reasonably, it would be stupid not to. If I chose to not finish the year (take a "Child care leave" I'd not only forfeit the rest of my years pay, which is indeed reasonable, but I'd also be responsible for paying back my insurance premiums. I'm told that is in the neighborhood of 15K. That's a new car. It would just be stupid to do that.

So instead, I'm returning for the 16 weeks left to finish out the year. I cry every time I think about it. It isn't just that I don't want to work (hey, who really does?), the issue is being away from Charlotte. I just want to be with her and take care of her. Not slave away for ungrateful urchins all day and see my daughter for like three hours at night.

She is being slightly crabbier than usual and I suspect the three month growth spurt is the culprit. However, I need to keep an eye on her getting up in the middle of the night, which has happened for the past 7 days. She had gone to sleeping through the night most nights, but now I get a 1 or 2 am wakeup. I feed her, but it is possible she is just waking up and needs to go back to sleep. So we need to have Dave comfort her (because mom=food) and try just getting her back down. Even with the crabbiness she is really just a doll and I adore her.

Monday we went to visit my sister and her kids. We looked at baby books for Sophia and Sam and they pretty much look the same now. So even though I wonder what Charlotte will look like, she'll just look like herself, as she is now. Speaking of which, we took some pics that are super-duper cute. They show how well she holds herself up, the other one is just funny because she was hungry but I wanted to take a picture. Not a good idea- the baby is ALWAYS the boss!

Baby Update

We took a family picture last weekend. Charlotte is wearing the dress I made :-)

Yeast update: we have an appointment with the pediatrician on Friday to ascertain whether the thrush is receding rapidly enough. Also, my ob won't give me more cream unless the ped. says I still need to be treated. I'm out of cream and it is a great relief not to be applying and removing that crud 7 times a day. I also don't need to go through 16 breast pad a day.

Bottle Battle: yesterday, i took Charlotte to day care (Linda) for a trial run and hoping for bottle success. I took her there around 8:30 and just worried alot. I called at 11 am and she had tried the bottle a couple of times and said Charlotte didn't seem hungry (though I know she was, she ate 4 hours previously and before that it had been 9 hours). Then I called again at noon and she had some success. I guess Charlotte was sort of sleepy and finally latched on and took about 5 ounces. I picked her up and when we got home she napped and when she woke up was just frantic to eat. When I tried to burp her she went nuts and just couldn't get enough!

So, although it was a bit of a battle, she did actually take the damn thing and I don't think I have to worry that she'll hold out all day when I go back to work. I'll be taking her back sometime next week for another day.


Sleep: After a week of a super cranky baby at night, I finally realized she was just tired and needed to be put down earlier. Now she eats around 8:30 and is typically in bed by 9 pm. She now has slept until 7 am (with no feeds in between) a few days. I hope it continues and I am getting used to sleeping all night as long as the stupid cats don't wake me up!

Also, I joined a mom group, Mothers and More and look forward to being part of that. There are monthly meetings, playgroups to join, email listserves, activities such as wine tasting and sledding and probably lots more. I'm very excited about this and hope to be active even though I go back to work in 2.5 weeks.

Charlotte movie

This baby is just so darn cute! She is cooing and making cute noises. This started January 1 and it's so fun to hear her because she sounds so happy. No laughs, yet.

more pictures

We cuddle on the floor.









Charlotte under her play gym- she really likes this thing, the mirror and the jinglies.




























Charlotte in her pretty dress from jen flanigan.









The stupid cats on the changing table.